'Blesser' is a term often used to describe relationships where one partner gives the other gifts or money, often in exchange for dating or having sex. You might have heard words such as 'sugar daddy' or 'sugar mamma' to describe them.

Although every person has the right to decide the relationships they want, think carefully about having a 'blesser', as these relationships can be particularly difficult and might have some risks that you're not aware of. For example:

1. When someone gives you money, you might feel like you owe them something. Feeling indebted to someone can leave you feeling unable to refuse them the things that they ask for. If they ask you for sex without a condom, you might feel unable to say no. With less power to decide what sex you want, you might be more at risk of HIV. Remember, you should always be able to say no to things that make you feel uncomfortable.

2. Blessers are often older. This will normally mean that they have had more sexual partners. Because of this they are more likely to already have STIs that they could pass on. This is one of the reasons that having blessers can increase your HIV risk.

3. Blessers may have other relationships. Blessers are more likely to be married or have other relationships. If you and/or your blesser are seeing other people you need to make sure that you use condoms or other means of protection. The more people you are having sex with the greater your HIV risk is likely to be.

These situations can be complicated. You don't have to have all the answers, but it's important that the person knows that you are there for them and that you will support them.

If you suspect that someone you know might be in a relationship that's unhealthy, find a gentle way of asking them about it. Often people in bad relationships find it hard talk about this with other people. They may believe that somehow it's their fault or feel embarrassed about how they are treated. Saying things like 'Are you ok?' or 'Do you want to talk to me about anything?', will show the person that you care and want to listen to them.

It's important that you take someone seriously if they tell you about problems in their relationship. Avoid saying things that might suggest it's their fault, for example: "What did you do to make your partner behave like that?" You should also avoid saying things that make it sound like you don't believe them, for example, asking "but why would they do that?" Having someone listen and believe you is important when working out what to do about an unhealthy relationship.

The decision to leave a relationship will always be that person's to make. You can't force someone to leave a bad relationship. Leaving a controlling or abusive partner can be very frightening. It's important that the person has sufficient support, especially if they are worried about their safety. If this is what they decide they want to do, it's better if other people are involved, so that together you can help keep the person safe. Encourage them to identify other people that they trust and are happy to tell. You shouldn't have to support them alone. It's helpful if a person with authority knows, such as a parent, a police officer, a chief or a healthcare worker. 

When you go online, whether on Facebook, WhatsApp or other sites, there's more opportunities to meet people that you don't know in real life. This can mean that you can make connections with other people with the same interests as you, but it can also be something to be wary of, as meeting people online can have risks.

That there are all sorts of different people online and not everyone is who they say they are. It's very easy to have a fake name, picture and life story. Some people may be using the internet with bad intentions. It's safer not to meet up with people in real life that you have only spoken to online. If you do decide to meet with someone you have met online, follow these rules:

1. Choose a public place to meet, for example a busy cafe
2. Bring a friend or someone you know
3. Make sure that other people know where you are going, when to expect you back and how to get in touch with you.

If you get the sense that something might not be safe, listen to your instincts. It's also important to remember that it's difficult to control information that you share online. If you wouldn't be comfortable with everyone seeing something, then don't post it online, even if you think that you are sharing it with a person you can trust.
 

Sexual and gender-based violence (SGBV) is violence committed against a person because of their gender. It means forcing another person to do something against their will, not only through physical violence but also through coercion, threats, deception, pressure, manipulation or economic means. Although most people who experience SGBV are girls and women, boys and men can also be harmed by SGBV. 

SGBV can happen in intimate relationships (whether a couple are different genders or the same gender) and within families. SGBV can also happen in the general community, at school, university and work, and in social spaces.

SGBV in a relationship can take many forms. 

These are: 

• Sexual violence: This is any act, attempted or threatened, that is sexual in nature and carried out without the consent of the victim. Sexual violence includes rape, sexual abuse and harassment, sexual exploitation and forcing someone to have sex with others. It can happen within marriages, especially when there is a lack of consent for sexual activity by one of the spouses. 

• Physical violence: Acts such as beating, punching, choking or killing are often combined with non-physical forms of SGBV, including emotional and psychological violence. 

• Emotional or psychological violence: This is non-sexual, verbal abuse that insults or degrades the victim. This can include isolating a person from their friends and family. 

• Socio-economic violence: This stops a person from participating in society. It includes denying someone access to health services, education and work.

SGBV can happen in an intimate relationship or a family relationship. But it can also happen through widespread, social practices which lots of people – even whole communities – can see as normal. 

Harmful SGBV practices include: 

• female circumcision 

• honour killings 

• child marriage (any person who is under 18 getting married, normally to an older person)

 • forced marriage (any marriage imposed against the will of a person) 

• forced sex work or sexual exploitation. 

Domestic violence is a form of SGBV. It is any physical, sexual, psychological, verbal or economic violence committed within a family. It may be committed by family members, whether or not they live in the same household as the victim/s. 

Intimate partner violence is another term for SGBV when it happens in a marriage or romantic relationship.

It is important for health providers to be able to identify signs that someone may be experiencing SGBV or is at risk of it. 

Here are signs to look out for that mean someone may be experiencing SGBV. 

They have: 

• unexplained or vague medical complaints 

• visible bruises at different stages of healing 

• scratches, marks or broken bones 

• discomfort or difficulty in walking or sitting 

• pain or itching in the genital area or symptoms of a sexually transmitted infection 

• difficult emotions, such as seeming scared or overly worried, seeming withdrawn, depressed or having suicidal thoughts 

• self-destructive behaviours like cutting themselves or problematic drug or alcohol use 

• an inability to concentrate or focus on a specific task 

• a fear of going home, or a fear of being away from home for too long 

• low self-esteem, a lack of confidence, and they often apologise for things they say or do

 • a lack of trust in others 

• a lack of friends, and they rarely spend time with family members or people that are not their partner 

• issues with sleep, such as insomnia and nightmares 

• poor attendance at school or work, and they often miss appointments 

• a partner who is constantly with them, or often calls or messages them when they are with others. If you think someone may be experiencing SGBV, find out what specialist SGBV services are available nearby then get in touch with them about what to do next. The person you are helping should be referred to staff who have been trained on SGBV issues. Not getting specialist staff involved and trying to support someone on your own might put them further at risk.

Here are some questions you can ask to work out whether someone may be at risk of SGBV in an intimate relationship: 

• Is your partner charming one minute and difficult the next? 

• Can they be jealous and possessive? 

• Do they tell you what to wear, where to go, who to see? 

• Do they often put you down or make you feel bad about yourself? 

• Do they lie to you or make you doubt your judgement? 

• Do they control your money, or make sure you are dependent on them for everyday things? 

• Do they pressure you to have sex when you don’t want to? 

• Are you constantly monitoring your own behaviour and words to avoid making them angry? 

• Do they control access to your phone, what medicine you take or what you eat? 

• Do they track your movements or messages? 

• Do they frighten you? 

If the answers the person gives make you think they may be at risk of SGBV, find out what specialist SGBV services are available in your location so you can refer them. 

It can be hard to have these conversations, and someone who is experiencing SGBV might not be ready to talk about it. They may not even realise that this is what is happening to them, this is why it’s important to look out for signs as well.